This post is wanting to be an investigation of my trials and tribulations, but it might digress into an unfocused ramble. I am having trouble sleeping tonight. Lately, I’ve been sleeping very soundly. I have a lot on my mind right now, as I’ve got a lot on my plate this week. Many deadlines to meet and people to see and I still have to make time to eat.
I want to look into my fear. It seems as though I have let fear conquer me, it is becoming me. I am no longer the daring and unafraid Derek. It seems as though I have become tame and I am ok with it. I used to always take risks and was quite successful with thinking quickly on my feet in any given situation. What has happened to me? Why the sudden change? Is it because I over-analyze my life?; the people involved?; doubt? I mean, just look at my writing style. I can count many words that are negative. Perhaps that is a way to change things; to think more positive and blind myself to fear, doubt, and ideas of uncertainty.
I think this is a big step for me, to investigate what has happened to me in the last few years to cause such angst and discontent. It is important in transformation to realize what one has become in order to emerge into someone and/or something different. And this is exactly what I want – to transform, to evolve into someone happier and living life with more abundance. These are much more positive words to use in my daily vocabulary.
I was watching The Big Bang Theory earlier tonight, and Sheldon said something that really made me think. He said, “What you’re experiencing is classic Jungian crisis, in which the aging individual morns the loss of the never to be realized ideal family unit.” He goes on to say, “The Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.” The part that hit me hardest was the explanation of Weltschmerz because it explained how I have been feeling lately. My mind is not satisfied by my physical reality. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very happy and jolly person (most of the time), but there are times of manic depression where I am so frustrated about the way things are in reality. I think this is why I enjoy sleeping. My dreams are the only place where my subconscious reality can play out in a fantastical world with no bounds. When I cannot sleep, it depresses me. I want to live out this crazy and wild existence, but my mind is conflicted with real, physical life; my own personal frustrations and shortcomings.
I saddens me that I don’t pursue things that I know make me happy. I mope around and don’t frolic like I know I want to. Is this a sign of depression? I have a feeling that a large part of it boils down to my environment. I have many great memories in this house, but I also have many bad ones. The mentality of my parents does not help. They never leave the house, and in turn I never leave the house. It’s a terrible way to live out existence. I have set goals to get out of here and live on my own by the end of the year, but it has been troublesome finding employment. I have started applying to places like, Home Depot and BestBuy. BestBuy never got back to me – is this not sad? I have a feeling I am approaching this all wrong, but maybe I am not to blame. I have had little success in the last two years with constant work. I have done odds and ends jobs that only last days or weeks – the best (and most rewarding) has been with Move Productions, which I hope to continue working next dance season. It combines the two things I love most about hard work: technology and working with my hands. I absolutely admire what my boss has done with his company and hope to grow along with it.
Back to unemployment; Since I’ve graduated in 2008, I have always (conveniently) pointed blame to the tough economical strains our country has been encountering. That is the reason for my empty pockets, that is the reason why I feel so small and unable. I think that convenience has become my worst enemy. I have said this before, but ‘easy’ is depressing and uninteresting, yet I keep finding myself choosing the ‘easy’ way. Is this human nature? Am I predisposed to think and act this way? I hate it.
I think this ties in with Weltschmerz: that the cruel and harsh situation of the economy has put me into a sort of physical and social grey-area. I don’t know how to back this up with evidence, other than this is how I feel. I feel so lost. Perhaps, an outcast lost in Los Angeles. The city I call my birthplace alienates me, I need to get away for a while; maybe permanently.
Another entry I want to write about in the near future is: Has higher education turned me into a pussy?
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